Why Do We Struggle with Challenging Emotions?
It's not uncommon to feel overwhelmed by our emotions, especially when they're intense or uncomfortable. We often get stuck in these feelings, replaying them in our minds and trying to figure out why they're happening. This cycle can lead to emotional exhaustion, making it even harder to let go of negativity.
The Importance of Emotions
Emotions are a natural and essential part of being human. They add depth to our experiences, whether it's joy, serenity, pain, or frustration. While we may process negative emotions quickly, they can feel sticky, like Velcro, because they're designed to protect us. For example, if you feel threatened, anger or fear can push you to act.
A helpful way to understand emotions is to imagine being out at sea on a sailboat. The mast, which holds the sails, represents positive emotions, helping you move forward. The keel, which keeps the boat stable, represents negative emotions, guiding and stabilising you. Both are essential; without one or the other, the boat—and you—could capsize.
Learning to Manage Emotions
Managing emotions, especially the difficult ones, is crucial for maintaining emotional balance. It's important to remember that negative emotions aren't always bad; sometimes, they're appropriate, like when you're grieving or setting boundaries. Instead of trying to eliminate negative emotions, we should focus on understanding and managing them.
Four Key Skills for Emotional Wellbeing
- Recognise - Start by acknowledging that you're feeling something. Ask yourself two simple questions: Does this feel pleasant or unpleasant?
- Label - Next try to label how you are feeling, by putting a name to it. This not only broadens your emotional vocabulary but also helps you understand the nuances of what you're feeling. For example, instead of just saying you're "angry," you might realise you're actually "impatient" or "irritable." Instead of just "sad," maybe you're "lonely" or "tired."
- Regulate - Emotions are like waves; they come and go. Instead of getting stuck in them, try to let them flow through you. One way to do this is through focused breathing. A simple technique is the 16-Second Meditation: inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4, exhale for 4, and hold for 4 more. Repeat this 4-6 times and you'll find the intensity of your emotions will start to decrease.
- Practice Mindfulness - Mindfulness means paying attention to the present moment without judgment. Not always easy when it comes to emotions. Instead of categorising our emotions as good or bad, right or wrong, reflect on whether your emotions are helpful or unhelpful. This approach helps you observe your emotions without letting them control you. As Susan David, the author of Emotional Agility, says, "emotions are data, not directives." As we become aware of emotions as signals, not instructions, we have the potential to be more mindful vs reactive.
Practical Tips for Applying These Skills
- Check-In Regularly - Throughout your day, pause and ask yourself how you're feeling. Label your emotions to build your emotional vocabulary.
- Journaling - Writing down your thoughts and feelings can help you step back and understand your emotions and how they influence your actions.
By practicing these skills, you'll build emotional resilience and better navigate the ups and downs of life.